Pain. Hurt. Love. Emotionless. Anger. Resentment….
These were just a few of the many emotions I’ve felt over the last 6 months. It’s been a whirlwind of life and a major test of mental/emotional strength. There were times that I didn’t think I could make it to the next day. But then there were days where I was confident that I would be okay.
So many people haven’t been able to truly understand the emotions I’ve been going through, simply because they haven’t been in the same experience in life.
Back in March, the man that I whole-heartedly loved broke my confidence in men & people in general. I couldn’t understand why. What did I do to deserve it? The whole process afterwards was basically grieving the loss of person I thought I knew. It was feeling hurt, but still loving him. I went days where I held everything in. I was a stone. Nights of no sleep. Then I went days crying my eyes out alone.
I kept going to church asking God for guidance. I would sit there and shake. As the music came on I would close my eyes and take it in. Tears would continue to fall from my eyes. I repeated the cycle every Sunday for months.
I kept myself more and more busy with work. Just to not have to think about my feelings. I would be on the phone with the prosecutors…county offices…police officers…judges… I was ANGRY. All I seemed to be able to do what focus on how angry I was.
I went to church one Sunday & I remember asking God, on my way to the front doors, to give me peace. All I wanted was peace. I wanted the overwhelm and anxiety to disappear. The only energy and strength I had been mustering up was to get payback. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I wanted my heart to be okay again. I sat in my seat and gazed at the screen in the front. The music came on and I heard the lyrics… “Come on my soul, don’t you get shy on me, lift up your song, you’ve got a lion inside of your lungs, get up and praise the Lord.” It was at that moment, I was like what am I doing? That same day, the message hit my heart. The pastor preached forgiveness. He said, “a person who cannot forgive is a person who’s forgotten what they’ve been forgiven of.”
Forgiveness…
Ephesians 4:26-27 says “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”
James 1:19-20 says “This you know… but everyone should be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.”
Shame on me. Shame on me for getting SO wrapped up in my anger that I forgot what it meant to be the hands and feet of Jesus on earth.
I soul searched for weeks after that and found it in my heart to forgive all of what was done to me back in March. Because the truth is, I care about the well-being of him. I realize that people break in different ways and have different journeys of piecing themselves back together again. I want him to find peace. I want to have the same amount of grace for people that have messed up as God has grace for me when I mess up. Because, Lord knows I do.
Now, I am happier, relieved. My energy is healthy again. My faith couldn’t be stronger. God ALWAYS has a plan. The pain, made me realize how beautiful love is. The anger has made me realize the power in forgiveness. God has made me understand the power of grace. And what a beautiful thing that is.