For those of you that have followed my life, you probably knew that this 2020 New Year was supposed to be a HUGE move across the ocean and off to start a new life in Egypt. Well, I’m currently sitting on my couch in good ole’ Minnesota so it’s safe to assume that that didn’t actually happen.
We didn’t just “not go start a life in Egypt”, the “we” became two separate “I”’s as the ink dried on our divorce papers.
The divorce process was both terrifying and a complete relief. Two things that don’t normally go together in any situation. It has officially been 7 months since our official divorce date and as time goes on, everything has become a lot more clear looking back.
In divorce, there is never only one fault. I realize that there are many things that I could’ve done to be a better wife and I am owning that part and feeling that guilt. Throughout the separation and the divorce process, I sincerely apologize for saying rude things that I can’t take back and saying bad things about you to anyone that would listen. At the time I was majorly hurt, terrified, and angry and I felt like I was a victim. So I am very sorry for that.
Most importantly though, I am going to thank myself. This seems kind of peculiar, but very necessary. So here it goes.
Dear me,
Now, more than ever you look happy. I’m not just talking about putting an auto-pilot smile on and going through the day. NO. I’m talking about the kind of happy when it’s a one-hundred-degree day and a huge waffle cone with triple chocolate and coffee ice cream is brought over to you. The kind of happy when your child poops in the toilet for the first time. (Trust me, that is REALLY happy.) You are glowing. Being the one to initiate a divorce takes a sort of courage that you didn’t think you had. You were so scared of the unknown and so doubtful that you could do this life by yourself, while raising two kids. But you NEVER once allowed yourself to make excuses not to succeed, no matter how many people were telling you that you wouldn’t. You NEVER once told yourself that you couldn’t do it. There was always that inner voice that was whispering in your ear telling you to keep fighting. And you did. Thank you for allowing yourself to find God again and to lean on Him. Because without Him you would still be lost. Being vulnerable with God is one of the most beautiful things you could’ve done and it has helped change your life. Thank you for muting out all the bad voices throughout your whole divorce process and allowing them to motivate you instead of tear you down. Thank you for hiding in the closet to cry your eyes out away from your kids and then coming out to assure them that everything will be okay. They needed that reassurance and they needed your strength. You allowed them to have that security and love so that they didn’t have to break down and cry themselves. You, along with so many, don’t give yourself the amount of credit that you deserve and for all that you do for everyone surrounding you. You are now the best version of yourself and have shown so much success. You will go far, so keep drowning out the voices that don’t support you in that belief. You are beautiful even with those huge, zebra stretch marks on your stomach and those big thighs. You can be the most weird and quirky girl in the room and be proud of that, because people LOVE that about you, especially your kids. You are stronger today than you were yesterday and not even close to being as strong as you’ll get. Thank you for acknowledging your worth after many years of forgetting what that even was. I’m sorry that I didn’t love you like you should be loved. I’m sorry for looking in the mirror with disgust. But I’m so proud of you for showing that vulnerability and allowing yourself to grow and improve. The girl you used to be has absolutely nothing on the woman you are today. Take this beautiful new beginning and run with it. There are no longer any stipulations on your passions or paths in life, write the rest of your story and don’t let anyone take the pen ever again.
Love, Me
I guess, this couch in Minnesota isn’t actually so bad. I am moving forward. And I know I am enough. Cheers to where I’ll go next. The sky is the limit.