I’m not really sure how to start this letter. Hi. Is that appropriate? Maybe that’s too little… howdy? Oh gosh.. I’m not from the South. *Insert facepalm* I haven’t been on a first date in 8 years, so you might have to cut me some slack. Maybe I’ll just skip the first greeting, so I don’t completely mess it up.
So, I know you’re out there right now, even though I’m not sure if I would be able to accept you into my life right now, but someday I’ll be ready. I just wanted to let you know a few things though, before we officially go on that first date so I thought I’d write you this letter. I’m sitting on my couch writing this hoping you won’t think I’m too weird for doing so. Spoiler alert: I am a little weird though, so beware. :) I don’t know who you are or what your story is or why God gave you a path that crossed mine, but I do know that I’m so lucky for that moment. I’ve been waiting for you to walk into my life and treat me the way that I’ve deserved to be treated all along. I’ve been through a lot and hopefully by the time I meet you I will have my heart mostly put back together again. I want you to know that it’s taken a lot for me to get to this point. So many days I have been so broken wondering if I could be enough for someone. Every hurtful comment I’ve received or manipulation using my feelings from my past has made me guard my heart. Every time I’ve been beaten down has made me not want to get too close. But if you are persistent, you’ll get me there again. Here’s a little hint, since I like you so much…write that note and leave it somewhere when you leave my house. Buy the coffee when I’m not expecting it. (Decaf, please..you’ll figure out why later. Haha.) Send me the text that says you’re thinking about me. Rub my back when I don’t ask for it. Laugh at me when I’m acting silly at night when I’m overtired. I don’t want you to be perfect and I don’t need that.
I just want you to let me be unapologetically me.
I’ve forgotten who I was for way too long and I can’t do that again. My heart broke every day when I wasn’t allowed to show who I really am.
The truth is that I LOVE me, the real me. And I want you to be with me because you love the real me too. I don’t want you to pressure me into changing, knowing full well that I will change because I care about your feelings more than my own.
- I love how I look with tattoos and a nose ring.
- I love wearing tight shirts to show off my body.
- I love saying dirty jokes and acting silly sometimes.
I want you to know that I’m independent and I like it that way. But I also want you to feel confident knowing that I don’t need you, but I CHOOSE you.
I want us to make a fool of ourselves together at that Halloween party when we dress up as mustard and ketchup. I want you to show me off when I’m wearing that little black dress out in public. I want you to accept my opinions and support me when I need it. I want you to acknowledge that I have a voice. I don’t want to be muted. I want you to trust me because I am SO loyal to those that I love and even those that I don’t, despite what I’ve endured. Be patient with me if I need a second to tell you that I love you. The truth is that I do love you, but I have a lot of scars on my heart that makes it hard to admit. I want you to fall in love with my kids, just as much as me. If you’re unsure, give them a chance. Zain has the best snuggles that can lift you up and make you feel better on the worst of days. Zeyad can crack the most hilarious, unexpected phrase when you’re not expecting it and then give you that sparkling smile afterwards that makes you have to smile right back. If you can’t see them in your life, then you can’t fit into mine. I don’t regret any of the relationships I’ve had before you, no matter how hard they were because they led me to this moment where I’m with you. I’m not upset about how long it took to meet you, because it simply wasn’t the right timing before. Now that we found each other, please don’t change. Be the authentic you that I fell in love with. Challenge me in a healthy competition, but accept the fact that I probably can handle a drill and a miter saw better than you can. ;) Tickle me to death even when I tell you to stop. Kiss me in public. Actually dance with me in the rain even after you took a shower. Sing with me so loudly that your vocal cords might snap. I look forward to all of it.
So, until that day we go on our first date, I will keep trying to mend my heart so that it is ready for you. I’m excited to see what our future has in store.
A Healing Heart